Dangling Participles
Culled from newspapers: – The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5′ 10″, with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds. – The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives. – Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband. – Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time. – The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to…
In Order Of Stupidity…
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???… ) On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion). On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”…
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!” Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again… “You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them.” Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my…
School Daze
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.” That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. The…
Funny Car Insurance Statements
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face. A pedestrian…
A Texan Down Under
A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station owner said, “That’s one of my prize Hereford heiffers.” The Texan said, “Shoot! That one wouldn’t even be weaned yet back in Texas!” A little while later, the Texan pointed at a ram and asked what it was. The station owner said, “That’s one of my stud Merino rams.” The Texan said, “Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my new born lambs back in Texas!” By this time…
R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.” WEDNESDAY: Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the…
U.S. Dumb Laws Compilation
Each State in the U.S. has it’s own laws. Some of those laws have been created a long time ago and now sound ridiculous. Here is a list of each State’s dumb laws along with one example for each: Alabama Dumb Laws “It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone’s pity.” Alaska Dumb Laws “Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.” Arizona Dumb Laws “When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.” Arkansas Dumb Laws “A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.” California Dumb Laws…
Virginia Dumb Laws
You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. It is illegal to tickle women. It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. Culpeper: No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk. Lebanon: It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed. Norfolk: Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated. Norfolk: A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman’s derriere. Norfolk: Women must wear a corset after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone. Richmond: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays…
North Carolina Dumb Laws
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. If a man and a woman who aren’t married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married. All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. It’s against the law to sing off key in North Carolina. Barber: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. Chapel Hill: It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. Charlotte: Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards…
Oregon Dumb Laws
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. Dishes must drip dry. Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. One may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e., that which covers one’s body from neck to knee. Eugene: It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. Eugene: It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert. Hood River: Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license. Klamath Falls: It’s illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane. Portland: It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating…
