Some School Humor
Below is a compilation of some school jokes. They are a bit old school, but hopefully you’ll still find some of them funny. Teacher: How can we get some clean water? Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!” Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?” Pupil: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” Teacher: “Of course not.” Pupil:…
Sunday School Drawings
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy’s picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. ‘The flight to Egypt,’ he replied. ‘I see… And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,’ she said. ‘But who’s the fourth person?’ ‘Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!’
Catholic Terminology
AMEN – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN – Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR – A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN – A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. RECESSIONAL HYMN – The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE – Holy Smoke! JESUITS – An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH – The original “Jaws” story. JUSTICE – When kids have kids of…
Painting
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.” The owner says, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.” So the hobo goes around back and a while…
Ad Placement Fail
Some advertising placement can give funny or unfortunate results. Here are a few of them: “Strike Against Free Software: Microsoft Enters Catalonian Schools”
Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that…
The Italian who went to Malta
(Must be read with an Italian accent) One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella…
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft…
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought…
Some Funny Google Fails
Google Auto Suggest is, as we can see from its name, an automated suggestion system. It is based on popular search queries. Since there’s a lot of weird people out there, Google will sometimes make some weird suggestions, as shown below. Also, if you spend some time on Google Earth or Google Maps, you might find some weird & funny stuff as well. I thought this was funny! Especially if you’ve seen Terminator.
Essential Desert Objects
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them. The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants. The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty. Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door. The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?” The man replies, “Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window.”
Top 10 Bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise
“Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!” “One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it” “HONK if you’ve slept with Commander Riker!” “Guns don’t kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!” “Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!” “CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.” “If you can read this…don’t you think you’re a wee bit too close?” “Have you hugged a Ferengi today?” “We brake for cubes!” “Wesley On Board!” And, the best bumpersticker on Borg ship: “Blonde Borgs have the same fun.”
No Great Loss
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers that, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.” A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.” The room is silent; none of the…
