A Texan Down Under
A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station owner said, “That’s one of my prize Hereford heiffers.” The Texan said, “Shoot! That one wouldn’t even be weaned yet back in Texas!” A little while later, the Texan pointed at a ram and asked what it was. The station owner said, “That’s one of my stud Merino rams.” The Texan said, “Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my new born lambs back in Texas!” By this time…
Painting
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.” The owner says, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.” So the hobo goes around back and a while…
Iowa 3-Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don’t let…
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.” “I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.” “Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.” A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!” “I don’t understand how…
Some Funny Google Fails
Google Auto Suggest is, as we can see from its name, an automated suggestion system. It is based on popular search queries. Since there’s a lot of weird people out there, Google will sometimes make some weird suggestions, as shown below. Also, if you spend some time on Google Earth or Google Maps, you might find some weird & funny stuff as well. I thought this was funny! Especially if you’ve seen Terminator.
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed…
You Know You Are Italian When…
You know you’re Italian when… You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. You only get one good shave from a…
The Pope Drives a Limousine
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the…
Catholic Terminology
AMEN – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN – Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR – A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN – A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. RECESSIONAL HYMN – The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE – Holy Smoke! JESUITS – An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH – The original “Jaws” story. JUSTICE – When kids have kids of…
10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey
An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a 10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father’s plan was: “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.” So, the parents waited…
Axis of the Earth
Teacher: What is the axis of the Earth? Student: The axis of the Earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the Earth revolves. Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? Student: Yes, sir. Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes? Student: Imaginary clothes, sir.
