An Aspiring Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
Phrase: It has long been known Translation: I haven’t bothered to look up the reference Phrase: It is believed Translation: I think Phrase: It is generally believed Translation: A couple of other guys think so too Phrase: It is not unreasonable to assume Translation: If you believe this, you’ll believe anything Phrase: Of great theoretical importance Translation: I find it kind of interesting Phrase: Of great practical importance Translation: I can get some mileage out of it Phrase: Typical results are shown Translation: The best results are shown Phrase: 3 samples were chosen for further study Translation: The others didn’t make sense, so we ignored them Phrase: The 4 hour…
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!” Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again… “You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them.” Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my…
Funny Resume Bloopers
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured…
Bad Domain Names
All of these are companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear – and be misread… Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com/ Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com/ Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net/ Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com/ There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com/ And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com/ If you’re looking for IP computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com/ The First…
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.” “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” I asked. “Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” I said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”
Courtroom Bloopers
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word.
Corporate Stupidity
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA) “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping) “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) “This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”…
Courtroom Humor
Judge: I know you, don’t I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself… Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole…
An Italian businessman on his deathbed
A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, “Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS… and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.'”
Stupid Questions to Park Rangers
Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121) Grand Canyon National Park Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o’clock…
Indian Message To The Moon
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old…
