Lawyer
Courtroom Humor
Judge: I know you, don’t I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself… Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole…
Courtroom Bloopers
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word.
Iowa 3-Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don’t let…
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed…
Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or…
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, “Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “When they ask, I give them advice”, replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill in the morning.” The doctor decided to take the lawyer’s advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just…
