Idiot

  • Resume CV
    Business,  Computer,  Fail,  Idiot

    Funny Resume Bloopers

    Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured…

  • Employee Phone Office
    Business,  Idiot

    Corporate Stupidity

    “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA) “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping) “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) “This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”…

  • Newspapers Bundle
    Fail,  Funny Ads,  Idiot

    Funny Classified Ads Bloopers

    As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for…

  • Private Plane
    Doctor,  Idiot,  Lawyer,  Travel

    Smartest Man in the World

    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed…

  • Courtroom US
    Idiot,  Lawyer

    Courtroom Humor

    Judge: I know you, don’t I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself… Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole…

  • Flag United States
    American,  Bank,  Idiot,  Irony,  Political

    Only in America

    1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the…

  • Courtroom
    Idiot,  Lawyer

    Disorder In The Court

    Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or…

  • Park Ranger
    American,  Fail,  Idiot,  Travel

    Stupid Questions to Park Rangers

    Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121) Grand Canyon National Park Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o’clock…

  • Speech Bubble Comics
    Fail,  Idiot

    Famous Last Words

    I’ll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. Hey there’s no handles inside these car doors! It’s fireproof. He’s probably just hibernating. What does this button do? I’m making a citizen’s arrest. So, you’re a cannibal. It’s probably just a rash. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet? Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? No, my shoes aren’t untied. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! What do you mean, “I’ll be back”? Why is the rest of…

  • Parachute
    Computer,  Idiot,  Travel

    Parachute

      One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped…

  • Employee Phone Office
    Business,  Idiot

    New Job

    A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded: “You fool; you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?” “No” replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot” The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?” “No!” replied the Managing Director angrily. “Thank God!” replied the trainee and hung up the phone.

  • Lifeboat
    Idiot,  Travel

    Lifeboat

    After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared. ‘I’ll grant each of you a single wish,’ said the genie. ‘I wish I was home,’ said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared. ‘I wish I was home, too,’ said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too. The third man looked around. ‘Gee, I’m kind of lonely,’ he said. ‘I wish my friends were here with me.’