Computer Archives - CosmoBC Jokes Funny and Humorous Daily Tue, 20 Feb 2024 08:26:01 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Computer Archives - CosmoBC Jokes 32 32 Parachute Tue, 20 Feb 2024 08:26:01 +0000 Parachute  One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have a parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.” The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”]]> 1 Bill Gates Died and Went to Heaven Sun, 18 Feb 2024 07:56:05 +0000 Microsoft Windows FixBill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. “That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?” “Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.” “Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?” asked Gates. “No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.” Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?” “Yes, we use Windows here in heaven,” replied Peter, “and the Titanic only crashed once.”]]> 0 Life Lessons Learned from Video Games Tue, 30 Jan 2024 03:59:45 +0000 Video Game ControllerThere is no problem that can’t be overcome by violence. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having a lot of quarters. If it moves, shoot it. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. If someone dies, they disappear. Money is frequently found lying on the street. If it is on the ground, you should get it. Carpe diem! You only live three times!]]> 0 What All Those Acronyms Really Mean Sun, 21 Jan 2024 01:32:37 +0000 Old Computer HardwareISDN = It Still Does Nothing APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM = I Blame Microsoft DEC = Do Expect Cuts CA = Constant Acquisitions CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too. SCSI = System Can’t See It DOS = Defunct Operating System BASIC = Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control WWW = World Wide Wait MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs]]> 1 Computer Gender Sun, 14 Jan 2024 00:12:03 +0000 Computer DeskWhy computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. Why computers should be feminine: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.]]> 0 An Aspiring Writer Tue, 02 Jan 2024 22:36:57 +0000 Typing LaptopThere was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.]]> 0 If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines Mon, 01 Jan 2024 22:33:19 +0000 Airport PlanesUNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on… Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”]]> 0 Microsoft Air Wed, 27 Dec 2023 21:18:18 +0000 MicrosoftThere was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?” To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”]]> 0 If restaurants functioned like Microsoft… Mon, 25 Dec 2023 21:03:56 +0000 MicrosoftPatron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now. Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check. Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet. Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything. Waiter leaves. Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day… $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day… $2.50 Access to support… $1.00]]> 0 A Programmer Joke Fri, 22 Dec 2023 20:08:44 +0000 Car StoppedThree guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ” Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.” Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”]]> 2