Stop Sign
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied. “You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained. “But I did slow down!” the guy argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.” The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down — what’s the difference?” The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called “Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They…
History Of The World… maybe
History of the world according to actual grade school student exam papers! 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them…
Sunday School Drawings
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy’s picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. ‘The flight to Egypt,’ he replied. ‘I see… And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,’ she said. ‘But who’s the fourth person?’ ‘Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!’
An Aspiring Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
Phrase: It has long been known Translation: I haven’t bothered to look up the reference Phrase: It is believed Translation: I think Phrase: It is generally believed Translation: A couple of other guys think so too Phrase: It is not unreasonable to assume Translation: If you believe this, you’ll believe anything Phrase: Of great theoretical importance Translation: I find it kind of interesting Phrase: Of great practical importance Translation: I can get some mileage out of it Phrase: Typical results are shown Translation: The best results are shown Phrase: 3 samples were chosen for further study Translation: The others didn’t make sense, so we ignored them Phrase: The 4 hour…
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!” Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again… “You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them.” Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my…
Funny Resume Bloopers
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured…
Bad Domain Names
All of these are companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear – and be misread… Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com/ Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com/ Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net/ Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com/ There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com/ And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com/ If you’re looking for IP computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com/ The First…
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.” “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” I asked. “Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” I said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”
Courtroom Bloopers
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word.
Corporate Stupidity
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA) “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping) “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) “This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”…
