Courtroom Bloopers
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word.
A Neutron Walks into a Bar…
A neutron walks into a bar. “Id like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge.”
Church Bulletin Humor
The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there…
Newspaper Errors
A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it’s surprising there aren’t more mistakes. When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples: 1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have…
Only in America
1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the…
Long Line
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If…
Indian Message To The Moon
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old…
Lifeboat
After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared. ‘I’ll grant each of you a single wish,’ said the genie. ‘I wish I was home,’ said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared. ‘I wish I was home, too,’ said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too. The third man looked around. ‘Gee, I’m kind of lonely,’ he said. ‘I wish my friends were here with me.’
Iowa 3-Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don’t let…
Top 20 Uses for Data’s Detached Head
Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard’s desk The ball in Parisis’ Squares Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft Replace Troi’s broken Chia Pet Scare blind students in Braille class Prop open doors for maintainence crews Lawn decoration in Arboreteum Footstool for Captain’s chair entertaining kids in day care puppet show Scare Alexander into doing chores Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift Decorative air filter in picard’s fish tank Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get “ahead” in research Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards Two words: tether ball Keep Worf’s coffee table from shaking Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet Donate to Starfleet Academny to be…
Top 13 Worst Marketing Slogan Translations Ever
13. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.” 12. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.” 11. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.” 10. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish,…
Funny Classified Ads Bloopers
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for…