Rough Landing
An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a ”Thanks for riding Royal Airlines.” But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ”Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” ”Why no, Ma’am,” replied the pilot,” ”what is it?” The little old lady said, ”Did we…
ISU Researchers Discover New Element [Parody]
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Axis of the Earth
Teacher: What is the axis of the Earth? Student: The axis of the Earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the Earth revolves. Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? Student: Yes, sir. Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes? Student: Imaginary clothes, sir.
On Anglicans
Q. Why can’t Anglicans play chess? A. Because they can’t tell a bishop from a king. Explanation: The British monarch is the head of the Anglican Church, therefore enjoying prerogatives that are normally reserved to bishops in most other Christian churches.
Top 10 Bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise
“Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!” “One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it” “HONK if you’ve slept with Commander Riker!” “Guns don’t kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!” “Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!” “CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.” “If you can read this…don’t you think you’re a wee bit too close?” “Have you hugged a Ferengi today?” “We brake for cubes!” “Wesley On Board!” And, the best bumpersticker on Borg ship: “Blonde Borgs have the same fun.”
400 Trillion Trillion Pints of Beer Lost in Space
This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space. Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm). G34.3 from Owen Chikazawa on Vimeo. Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our…
Computer Gender
Why computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. Why computers should be feminine: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are…
Simplifying the English Language
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EU, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using ‘s’ instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then…
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft…
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought…
Rolls-Royce and Bank Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest…
Dangling Participles
Culled from newspapers: – The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5′ 10″, with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds. – The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives. – Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband. – Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time. – The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to…
Famous Last Words
I’ll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. Hey there’s no handles inside these car doors! It’s fireproof. He’s probably just hibernating. What does this button do? I’m making a citizen’s arrest. So, you’re a cannibal. It’s probably just a rash. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet? Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? No, my shoes aren’t untied. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! What do you mean, “I’ll be back”? Why is the rest of…
