American
The Pope Drives a Limousine
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the…
Iowa 3-Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don’t let…
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have…
Star Trek Lost Episode
Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?” Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.” Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled: “What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?” Data turns to answer: “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.” Picard: “But…
Only in America
1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the…
Stupid Questions to Park Rangers
Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121) Grand Canyon National Park Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o’clock…
Rolls-Royce and Bank Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest…
Indian Message To The Moon
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old…
No Horns
“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
No Great Loss
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers that, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.” A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.” The room is silent; none of the…
A Democrat High In The Air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” I am,” replied the man. “How did…
A Texan Down Under
A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station owner said, “That’s one of my prize Hereford heiffers.” The Texan said, “Shoot! That one wouldn’t even be weaned yet back in Texas!” A little while later, the Texan pointed at a ram and asked what it was. The station owner said, “That’s one of my stud Merino rams.” The Texan said, “Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my new born lambs back in Texas!” By this time…
