• Flag United States
    American,  Political

    No Great Loss

    Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers that, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.” A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.” The room is silent; none of the…

  • Flag United States
    American

    An American was telling one of his favorite jokes…

    An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. “Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians.” The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, “I can’t say about the police and the trains, but you’re probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French – and the customers are all Americans.”

  • Bank Teller
    Bank,  Business,  Indian

    The Old Native American Wanted a Loan

    The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?” “Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response. “What have you got for collateral?” “Don’t know collateral.” “Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?” “Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.” The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?” “Yes, I have a horse.” “How old is it?” “Don’t know, has no teeth.” Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out…

  • Hot Air Balloon
    American,  Political

    A Democrat High In The Air

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” I am,” replied the man. “How did…

  • Newspapers Bundle
    News

    The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999

    1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Local High School…

  • Heaven Gate
    Christian,  Driving

    A Priest and a Bus Driver Died and Went to Heaven

    A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.” The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the…

  • Train Brighton Station
    Scottish,  Travel

    Ticket, Please!

    Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called “Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They…

  • Newspapers Bundle
    Fail,  News

    Dangling Participles

    Culled from newspapers: – The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5′ 10″, with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds. – The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives. – Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband. – Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time. – The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to…

  • Man Driving Car
    Driving,  Travel

    Driving license

    Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man. “Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

  • Star Trek Voyager Spaceship
    Science,  TV Humor

    Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life

    Saying “make it so” in casual conversation Indignation because the periodic table doesn’t include dilithium and tritanium. Able to use “variable phase inverter” in a sentence without excessive thought first More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer Have figured out the stardate system Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and “The Omega Glory” Memorization of the crew’s authorization codes Forgetting that present-day elevators don’t have voice interface Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments Actual serious thoughts about buying that…

  • Attention Danger Symbol Label
    Funny Ads,  Idiot

    In Order Of Stupidity…

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???… ) On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion). On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”…