The Old Native American Wanted a Loan
The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?” “Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response. “What have you got for collateral?” “Don’t know collateral.” “Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?” “Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.” The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?” “Yes, I have a horse.” “How old is it?” “Don’t know, has no teeth.” Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out…
Funny Classified Ads Bloopers
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for…
Bad Domain Names
All of these are companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear – and be misread… Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com/ Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com/ Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net/ Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com/ There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com/ And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com/ If you’re looking for IP computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com/ The First…
Church Bulletin Humor
The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there…
A Priest and a Bus Driver Died and Went to Heaven
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.” The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the…
Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to the cash machine. * 2 Put down your car window. * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt. * 6 Put window up. * 7 Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to cash machine. * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. *…
You know you are Italian
You know you’re Italian when… You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. You only get one good shave from a…
Top 10 Signs You’ve Watched Too Much Star Trek
You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7. You pull the legs off your hamster so you’ll have a tribble. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. You fly into a…
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed…
Courtroom Humor
Judge: I know you, don’t I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself… Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole…
Irish diplomacy
Q. What is Irish diplomacy? A. It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.
The Mirror
Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie – *Poof* – you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” *Poof* the mirror swallows her up. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I’m the sexiest woman…
