CosmoBC.com Jokes http://jokes.cosmobc.com The Blog for Jokes and Funny Stuff! Wed, 25 Nov 2020 02:57:47 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.5.3 Hunting Flies http://jokes.cosmobc.com/hunting-flies/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/hunting-flies/#comments Wed, 25 Nov 2020 02:57:47 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=176 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies,” he responded. “Oh!, Killed any?” she asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she … Continue reading

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Magic Pool http://jokes.cosmobc.com/magic-pool/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/magic-pool/#respond Tue, 24 Nov 2020 20:53:30 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=596 There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is … Continue reading

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In Order Of Stupidity… http://jokes.cosmobc.com/in-order-of-stupidity/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/in-order-of-stupidity/#comments Tue, 24 Nov 2020 14:38:16 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=96 In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that’s the only time I … Continue reading

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Top 13 Worst Marketing Slogan Translations Ever http://jokes.cosmobc.com/top-13-worst-marketing-slogan-translations-ever/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/top-13-worst-marketing-slogan-translations-ever/#comments Tue, 24 Nov 2020 08:31:16 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=245 13. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the … Continue reading

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Newspaper Errors http://jokes.cosmobc.com/newspaper-errors/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/newspaper-errors/#respond Tue, 24 Nov 2020 02:20:38 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=140 A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure … Continue reading

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Where is God? http://jokes.cosmobc.com/where-is-god/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/where-is-god/#respond Mon, 23 Nov 2020 20:12:27 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=53 A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys’ mother … Continue reading

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Horseback cop http://jokes.cosmobc.com/horseback-cop/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/horseback-cop/#respond Mon, 23 Nov 2020 14:01:31 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=615 On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that … Continue reading

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Funny Car Insurance Statements http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-car-insurance-statements/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-car-insurance-statements/#comments Mon, 23 Nov 2020 07:48:37 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=682 The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. … Continue reading

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Donation http://jokes.cosmobc.com/donation/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/donation/#respond Mon, 23 Nov 2020 01:39:10 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=650 A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a … Continue reading

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Six again http://jokes.cosmobc.com/six-again/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/six-again/#respond Sun, 22 Nov 2020 19:29:34 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=648 A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local … Continue reading

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Only in America http://jokes.cosmobc.com/only-in-america/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/only-in-america/#respond Sun, 22 Nov 2020 13:04:09 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=8 Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Continue reading

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Star Trek Lost Episode http://jokes.cosmobc.com/star-trek-lost-episode/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/star-trek-lost-episode/#comments Sun, 22 Nov 2020 06:57:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=728 Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?” Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by … Continue reading

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Stolen Horse http://jokes.cosmobc.com/stolen-horse/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/stolen-horse/#respond Sun, 22 Nov 2020 00:43:03 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=612 A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He … Continue reading

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Funny Menu http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-menu/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-menu/#comments Sat, 21 Nov 2020 18:41:12 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=94 The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants. Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China Indonesian Nazi Goreng – … Continue reading

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A doctor and a lawyer met at a party http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-doctor-and-a-lawyer-met-at-a-party/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-doctor-and-a-lawyer-met-at-a-party/#comments Sat, 21 Nov 2020 12:37:34 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=71 A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, “Tell me, what do you do to stop … Continue reading

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Dangling Participles http://jokes.cosmobc.com/dangling-participles/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/dangling-participles/#respond Sat, 21 Nov 2020 06:36:02 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=214 (Culled from newspapers) – The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5′ 10″, with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds. – The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 … Continue reading

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Where is your homework? http://jokes.cosmobc.com/where-is-your-homework/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/where-is-your-homework/#respond Sat, 21 Nov 2020 06:36:02 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=156 Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.

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Computer Gender http://jokes.cosmobc.com/computer-gender/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/computer-gender/#respond Sat, 21 Nov 2020 00:15:32 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=60 Why computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, … Continue reading

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Funny Resume Bloopers http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-resume-bloopers/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-resume-bloopers/#respond Fri, 20 Nov 2020 18:04:51 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=696 Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions. Was met with a string … Continue reading

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A Programmer Joke http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-programmer-joke/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-programmer-joke/#comments Fri, 20 Nov 2020 12:03:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=646 Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is … Continue reading

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Things Not To Say During Childbirth… http://jokes.cosmobc.com/things-not-to-say-during-childbirth/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/things-not-to-say-during-childbirth/#respond Fri, 20 Nov 2020 05:45:08 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=166 — Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. — Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? — I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in … Continue reading

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A Blonde Game Of Intelligence http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-blonde-game-of-intelligence/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-blonde-game-of-intelligence/#respond Thu, 19 Nov 2020 23:36:24 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=32 There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and … Continue reading

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Speeding http://jokes.cosmobc.com/speeding/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/speeding/#respond Thu, 19 Nov 2020 17:32:37 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=75 A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see … Continue reading

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20 Things that never happen in Star Trek http://jokes.cosmobc.com/20-happen-star-trek/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/20-happen-star-trek/#respond Thu, 19 Nov 2020 11:12:50 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1304 The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and … Continue reading

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Rules for Women http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rules-for-women/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rules-for-women/#respond Thu, 19 Nov 2020 05:01:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=132 We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you … Continue reading

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I’m the Boss! http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-boss/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-boss/#respond Wed, 18 Nov 2020 22:41:22 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=42 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door. Later that … Continue reading

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The Old Native American Wanted a Loan http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-old-native-american-wanted-a-loan/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-old-native-american-wanted-a-loan/#respond Wed, 18 Nov 2020 16:36:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=106 The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?” “Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response. “What have you got for … Continue reading

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Three seats http://jokes.cosmobc.com/three-seats/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/three-seats/#respond Wed, 18 Nov 2020 10:24:16 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=622 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The … Continue reading

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Cartoon Laws of Physics http://jokes.cosmobc.com/cartoon-laws-physics/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/cartoon-laws-physics/#comments Wed, 18 Nov 2020 04:18:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=776 Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At … Continue reading

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The Pope Drives a Limousine http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-pope-drives-a-limousine/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-pope-drives-a-limousine/#comments Tue, 17 Nov 2020 22:13:45 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=720 The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much … Continue reading

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Sunday School Drawings http://jokes.cosmobc.com/sunday-school-drawings/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/sunday-school-drawings/#respond Tue, 17 Nov 2020 16:00:53 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1349 A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy’s picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. … Continue reading

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You know you are Italian http://jokes.cosmobc.com/you-know-you-are-italian/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/you-know-you-are-italian/#respond Tue, 17 Nov 2020 16:00:53 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=121 You know you’re Italian when… You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 … Continue reading

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Stupid Questions to Park Rangers http://jokes.cosmobc.com/stupid-questions-to-park-rangers/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/stupid-questions-to-park-rangers/#respond Tue, 17 Nov 2020 09:51:09 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=705 Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside … Continue reading

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A Texan Down Under http://jokes.cosmobc.com/texan/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/texan/#respond Tue, 17 Nov 2020 03:39:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1325 A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station … Continue reading

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Blonde Joke in a Bar http://jokes.cosmobc.com/blonde-joke-in-a-bar/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/blonde-joke-in-a-bar/#respond Mon, 16 Nov 2020 21:38:28 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=25 A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde … Continue reading

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An Aspiring Writer http://jokes.cosmobc.com/aspiring-writer/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/aspiring-writer/#respond Mon, 16 Nov 2020 15:13:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1313 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will … Continue reading

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Female hormones in beer http://jokes.cosmobc.com/female-hormones-in-beer/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/female-hormones-in-beer/#respond Mon, 16 Nov 2020 08:54:27 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=164 Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

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The Italian who went to Malta http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-italian-who-went-to-malta/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-italian-who-went-to-malta/#respond Mon, 16 Nov 2020 02:49:29 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=119 (Must be read with an Italian accent) One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her … Continue reading

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Rough Landing http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rough-landing/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rough-landing/#respond Sun, 15 Nov 2020 20:42:02 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1296 An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a ”Thanks for riding … Continue reading

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An Italian Man Gets One Wish http://jokes.cosmobc.com/an-italian-man-gets-one-wish/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/an-italian-man-gets-one-wish/#respond Sun, 15 Nov 2020 14:41:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=117 An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, … Continue reading

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Creative Defense http://jokes.cosmobc.com/creative-defense/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/creative-defense/#respond Sun, 15 Nov 2020 08:29:59 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=653 A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can … Continue reading

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Job Interview http://jokes.cosmobc.com/job-interview/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/job-interview/#respond Sun, 15 Nov 2020 02:25:32 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=658 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on … Continue reading

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No Bull http://jokes.cosmobc.com/no-bull/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/no-bull/#respond Sat, 14 Nov 2020 20:16:26 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=90 A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by … Continue reading

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Catholic Terminology http://jokes.cosmobc.com/catholic-terminology/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/catholic-terminology/#respond Sat, 14 Nov 2020 14:05:42 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1347 AMEN – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN – Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR – A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. … Continue reading

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A Democrat High In The Air http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-democrat-high-in-the-air/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-democrat-high-in-the-air/#respond Sat, 14 Nov 2020 07:56:19 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=248 A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him … Continue reading

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Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game http://jokes.cosmobc.com/scottish-immigrant-attends-his-first-baseball-game/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/scottish-immigrant-attends-his-first-baseball-game/#respond Sat, 14 Nov 2020 01:43:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=160 A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run… run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars … Continue reading

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You Just Might Be a Graduate Student if… http://jokes.cosmobc.com/graduate-student-if/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/graduate-student-if/#respond Fri, 13 Nov 2020 19:34:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1310 you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. you are startled … Continue reading

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Famous Last Words http://jokes.cosmobc.com/famous-words/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/famous-words/#respond Fri, 13 Nov 2020 13:18:45 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1334 I’ll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. Hey there’s no handles inside these car doors! It’s fireproof. He’s probably just hibernating. What does this button do? I’m … Continue reading

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Drive Through ATM Procedures http://jokes.cosmobc.com/drive-through-atm-procedures/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/drive-through-atm-procedures/#respond Fri, 13 Nov 2020 07:10:24 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=12 Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE * 1 … Continue reading

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Disorder In The Court http://jokes.cosmobc.com/disorder-in-the-court/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/disorder-in-the-court/#respond Fri, 13 Nov 2020 01:04:03 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=123 Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats … Continue reading

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