CosmoBC.com Jokes http://jokes.cosmobc.com The Blog for Jokes and Funny Stuff! Tue, 10 Dec 2019 01:32:01 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.8 Painting http://jokes.cosmobc.com/painting/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/painting/#comments Tue, 10 Dec 2019 01:32:01 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=604 A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had … Continue reading

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Funny Car Insurance Statements http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-car-insurance-statements/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-car-insurance-statements/#comments Mon, 09 Dec 2019 21:30:54 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=682 The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. … Continue reading

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Disorder In The Court http://jokes.cosmobc.com/disorder-in-the-court/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/disorder-in-the-court/#respond Mon, 09 Dec 2019 17:22:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=123 Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats … Continue reading

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Driving Under the Influence http://jokes.cosmobc.com/driving-under-the-influence/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/driving-under-the-influence/#comments Mon, 09 Dec 2019 13:19:47 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=631 One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try … Continue reading

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Job Application http://jokes.cosmobc.com/job-application/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/job-application/#respond Mon, 09 Dec 2019 09:09:35 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=609 A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.” “Oh, great,” he … Continue reading

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Ticket, Please! http://jokes.cosmobc.com/ticket-please/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/ticket-please/#respond Mon, 09 Dec 2019 05:07:08 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=162 Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the … Continue reading

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10 Dollar Bill, a Bible, and a Bottle of Whiskey http://jokes.cosmobc.com/10-dollar-bill-a-bible-and-a-bottle-of-whiskey/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/10-dollar-bill-a-bible-and-a-bottle-of-whiskey/#respond Mon, 09 Dec 2019 00:57:02 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=144 An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a … Continue reading

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Confession http://jokes.cosmobc.com/confession/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/confession/#respond Sun, 08 Dec 2019 20:50:16 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1584 Me: Bless me father, for I have sinned. Fr: How long ago was your last confession? M: about a week. Fr: Very good. What sins do you want to confess? M: lying about when my last confession was. Fr: *prolonged … Continue reading

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History Of The World… Maybe http://jokes.cosmobc.com/history-of-the-world-maybe/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/history-of-the-world-maybe/#respond Sun, 08 Dec 2019 16:37:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=49 History of the world according to actual grade school student exam papers! 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah … Continue reading

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Church Bulletin Humor http://jokes.cosmobc.com/church-bulletin-humor/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/church-bulletin-humor/#comments Sun, 08 Dec 2019 12:29:58 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=92 The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church … Continue reading

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My Wife Got Me to Believe in Religion http://jokes.cosmobc.com/wife-religion/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/wife-religion/#respond Sun, 08 Dec 2019 04:15:49 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1345 Billy: “My wife got me to believe in religion.” Joe: “Really?” Billy: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell”

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Forgetting http://jokes.cosmobc.com/forgetting/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/forgetting/#comments Sun, 08 Dec 2019 00:01:35 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=601 An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the … Continue reading

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Stolen Horse http://jokes.cosmobc.com/stolen-horse/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/stolen-horse/#respond Sat, 07 Dec 2019 19:59:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=612 A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He … Continue reading

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Microsoft Air http://jokes.cosmobc.com/microsoft-air/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/microsoft-air/#respond Sat, 07 Dec 2019 15:54:27 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=65 There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. … Continue reading

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A Blonde Game Of Intelligence http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-blonde-game-of-intelligence/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-blonde-game-of-intelligence/#respond Sat, 07 Dec 2019 11:44:29 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=32 There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and … Continue reading

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You Know You Are Italian http://jokes.cosmobc.com/you-know-you-are-italian/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/you-know-you-are-italian/#respond Sat, 07 Dec 2019 03:37:39 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=121 You know you’re Italian when… You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 … Continue reading

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Iowa 3-Kick Rule http://jokes.cosmobc.com/iowa-3-kick-rule/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/iowa-3-kick-rule/#respond Fri, 06 Dec 2019 23:12:42 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=88 A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer … Continue reading

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Scottish & English Armies http://jokes.cosmobc.com/scottish-english-armies/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/scottish-english-armies/#respond Fri, 06 Dec 2019 19:02:38 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=158 In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning … Continue reading

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery http://jokes.cosmobc.com/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-during-surgery/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-during-surgery/#respond Fri, 06 Dec 2019 14:55:03 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=73 Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!” Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if … Continue reading

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Sunday School Drawings http://jokes.cosmobc.com/sunday-school-drawings/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/sunday-school-drawings/#respond Fri, 06 Dec 2019 10:54:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1349 A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy’s picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. … Continue reading

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Say Something Positive http://jokes.cosmobc.com/say-something-positive/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/say-something-positive/#respond Fri, 06 Dec 2019 06:51:54 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=127 A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old … Continue reading

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Some School Humor http://jokes.cosmobc.com/some-school-humor/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/some-school-humor/#comments Fri, 06 Dec 2019 02:45:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=741 Below is a compilation of some school jokes. They are a bit old school, but hopefully you’ll still find some of them funny. Teacher: What is the axis of the Earth? Student: The axis of the Earth is an imaginary … Continue reading

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Hunting Flies http://jokes.cosmobc.com/hunting-flies/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/hunting-flies/#comments Thu, 05 Dec 2019 22:40:58 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=176 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies,” he responded. “Oh!, Killed any?” she asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she … Continue reading

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An Aspiring Writer http://jokes.cosmobc.com/aspiring-writer/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/aspiring-writer/#respond Thu, 05 Dec 2019 18:36:29 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1313 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will … Continue reading

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Indian Message To The Moon http://jokes.cosmobc.com/indian-message-to-the-moon/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/indian-message-to-the-moon/#comments Thu, 05 Dec 2019 14:33:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=5 When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke … Continue reading

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The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-25-best-newspaper-headlines-of-1999/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-25-best-newspaper-headlines-of-1999/#respond Thu, 05 Dec 2019 10:20:44 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=136 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There … Continue reading

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Bad Domain Names http://jokes.cosmobc.com/bad-domain-names/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/bad-domain-names/#respond Wed, 04 Dec 2019 21:51:42 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=192 All of these are companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear – and be misread… Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web … Continue reading

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Speeding http://jokes.cosmobc.com/speeding/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/speeding/#respond Wed, 04 Dec 2019 21:51:42 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=75 A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see … Continue reading

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The Italian Who Went to Malta http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-italian-who-went-to-malta/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-italian-who-went-to-malta/#respond Wed, 04 Dec 2019 17:36:48 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=119 (Must be read with an Italian accent) One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her … Continue reading

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Where Is God? http://jokes.cosmobc.com/where-is-god/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/where-is-god/#respond Wed, 04 Dec 2019 13:33:58 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=53 A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys’ mother … Continue reading

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School Excuses http://jokes.cosmobc.com/school-excuses/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/school-excuses/#respond Wed, 04 Dec 2019 01:05:06 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=154 The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. … Continue reading

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Murphy Applied for an Engineering Position http://jokes.cosmobc.com/murphy-applied-for-an-engineering-position/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/murphy-applied-for-an-engineering-position/#respond Tue, 03 Dec 2019 20:48:35 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=44 Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of … Continue reading

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Signs Technology Took Over Your Life http://jokes.cosmobc.com/signs-technology-took-over-your-life/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/signs-technology-took-over-your-life/#respond Tue, 03 Dec 2019 16:40:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=68 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. … Continue reading

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Smartest Man in the World http://jokes.cosmobc.com/smartest-man-world/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/smartest-man-world/#comments Tue, 03 Dec 2019 12:30:29 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=762 A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started … Continue reading

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Irish Diplomacy http://jokes.cosmobc.com/irish-diplomacy/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/irish-diplomacy/#respond Tue, 03 Dec 2019 04:01:22 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=108 Q. What is Irish diplomacy? A. It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.

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Horseback Cop http://jokes.cosmobc.com/horseback-cop/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/horseback-cop/#respond Mon, 02 Dec 2019 23:49:45 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=615 On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that … Continue reading

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The Wife http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-wife/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-wife/#comments Mon, 02 Dec 2019 19:37:44 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=129 A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, … Continue reading

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School Daze http://jokes.cosmobc.com/school-daze/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/school-daze/#respond Mon, 02 Dec 2019 15:27:28 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=152 It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it … Continue reading

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R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine http://jokes.cosmobc.com/r-d-jones-and-his-sewing-machine/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/r-d-jones-and-his-sewing-machine/#respond Mon, 02 Dec 2019 11:17:30 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=138 The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. … Continue reading

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Simplifying the English Language http://jokes.cosmobc.com/simplifying-the-english-language/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/simplifying-the-english-language/#comments Sun, 01 Dec 2019 22:45:25 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=716 Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; … Continue reading

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A Democrat High In The Air http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-democrat-high-in-the-air/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-democrat-high-in-the-air/#respond Sun, 01 Dec 2019 18:39:05 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=248 A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him … Continue reading

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An Italian Businessman on His Deathbed http://jokes.cosmobc.com/an-italian-businessman-on-his-deathbed/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/an-italian-businessman-on-his-deathbed/#respond Sun, 01 Dec 2019 14:29:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=115 A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, “Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do … Continue reading

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Courtroom Bloopers http://jokes.cosmobc.com/courtroom-bloopers/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/courtroom-bloopers/#comments Sun, 01 Dec 2019 10:20:40 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=797 Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word. Continue reading

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Top 10 Bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise http://jokes.cosmobc.com/top-10-bumperstickers-u-s-s-enterprise/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/top-10-bumperstickers-u-s-s-enterprise/#respond Sun, 01 Dec 2019 06:13:38 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1300 “Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!” “One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it” “HONK if you’ve slept with Commander Riker!” “Guns don’t kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!” “Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!” “CAUTION…We have … Continue reading

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Three Seats http://jokes.cosmobc.com/three-seats/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/three-seats/#respond Sun, 01 Dec 2019 02:06:03 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=622 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The … Continue reading

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Creative Defense http://jokes.cosmobc.com/creative-defense/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/creative-defense/#respond Sat, 30 Nov 2019 22:02:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=653 A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can … Continue reading

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Star Trek Lost Episode http://jokes.cosmobc.com/star-trek-lost-episode/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/star-trek-lost-episode/#comments Sat, 30 Nov 2019 17:49:02 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=728 Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?” Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by … Continue reading

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Rolls-Royce and Bank Loan http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rolls-royce-bank-loan/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rolls-royce-bank-loan/#comments Sat, 30 Nov 2019 13:41:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=748 A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will … Continue reading

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Settling a Cow Case http://jokes.cosmobc.com/settling-cow-case/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/settling-cow-case/#comments Fri, 29 Nov 2019 21:10:25 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=770 A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of … Continue reading

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Newspaper Errors http://jokes.cosmobc.com/newspaper-errors/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/newspaper-errors/#respond Fri, 29 Nov 2019 21:10:25 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=140 A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure … Continue reading

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