CosmoBC.com Jokes http://jokes.cosmobc.com The Blog for Jokes and Funny Stuff! Wed, 06 Jul 2022 07:35:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.0 Driving license http://jokes.cosmobc.com/driving-license/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/driving-license/#respond Wed, 06 Jul 2022 07:35:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=607 Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted … Continue reading

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Reading between the lines http://jokes.cosmobc.com/reading-between-lines/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/reading-between-lines/#respond Wed, 06 Jul 2022 01:14:47 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=47 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 … Continue reading

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R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine http://jokes.cosmobc.com/r-d-jones-and-his-sewing-machine/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/r-d-jones-and-his-sewing-machine/#respond Tue, 05 Jul 2022 19:05:32 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=138 The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. … Continue reading

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Creative Defense http://jokes.cosmobc.com/creative-defense/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/creative-defense/#respond Tue, 05 Jul 2022 12:54:51 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=653 A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can … Continue reading

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Rules for Women http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rules-for-women/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/rules-for-women/#respond Tue, 05 Jul 2022 06:48:33 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=132 We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you … Continue reading

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Bill Gates Died and Went to Heaven http://jokes.cosmobc.com/bill-gates-died-and-went-to-heaven/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/bill-gates-died-and-went-to-heaven/#respond Tue, 05 Jul 2022 00:42:37 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=58 Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the … Continue reading

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An American was telling one of his favorite jokes… http://jokes.cosmobc.com/an-american-was-telling-one-of-his-favorite-jokes/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/an-american-was-telling-one-of-his-favorite-jokes/#respond Mon, 04 Jul 2022 18:23:04 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=3 An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. “Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians.” The lone … Continue reading

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20 Things that never happen in Star Trek http://jokes.cosmobc.com/20-happen-star-trek/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/20-happen-star-trek/#respond Mon, 04 Jul 2022 12:07:55 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1304 The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and … Continue reading

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Painting http://jokes.cosmobc.com/painting/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/painting/#comments Mon, 04 Jul 2022 06:01:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=604 A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had … Continue reading

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More Words http://jokes.cosmobc.com/more-words/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/more-words/#comments Sun, 03 Jul 2022 23:45:48 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=179 A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.” Excited to prove to his wife that he had … Continue reading

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Smartest Man in the World http://jokes.cosmobc.com/smartest-man-world/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/smartest-man-world/#respond Sun, 03 Jul 2022 17:38:34 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=762 A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started … Continue reading

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The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-25-best-newspaper-headlines-of-1999/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-25-best-newspaper-headlines-of-1999/#respond Sun, 03 Jul 2022 11:23:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=136 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There … Continue reading

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Catholic Terminology http://jokes.cosmobc.com/catholic-terminology/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/catholic-terminology/#respond Sun, 03 Jul 2022 05:06:11 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1347 AMEN – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN – Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR – A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. … Continue reading

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Murphy applied for an engineering position http://jokes.cosmobc.com/murphy-applied-for-an-engineering-position/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/murphy-applied-for-an-engineering-position/#respond Sat, 02 Jul 2022 22:49:42 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=44 Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of … Continue reading

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Drive Through ATM Procedures http://jokes.cosmobc.com/drive-through-atm-procedures/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/drive-through-atm-procedures/#respond Sat, 02 Jul 2022 16:39:50 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=12 Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE * 1 … Continue reading

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My Wife Got Me to Believe in Religion http://jokes.cosmobc.com/wife-religion/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/wife-religion/#respond Sat, 02 Jul 2022 10:33:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1345 Billy: “My wife got me to believe in religion.” Joe: “Really?” Billy: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell”

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Church Bulletin Humor http://jokes.cosmobc.com/church-bulletin-humor/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/church-bulletin-humor/#comments Sat, 02 Jul 2022 04:19:04 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=92 The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church … Continue reading

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Some Funny Google Fails http://jokes.cosmobc.com/some-funny-google-fails/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/some-funny-google-fails/#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2022 22:03:16 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=543 Google Auto Suggest is, as we can see from its name, an automated suggestion system. It is based on popular search queries. Since there’s a lot of weird people out there, Google will sometimes make some weird suggestions, as shown … Continue reading

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A Class Act http://jokes.cosmobc.com/class-act/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/class-act/#respond Fri, 01 Jul 2022 15:53:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1579 A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her … Continue reading

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Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/boyfriend-50-to-husband-10/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/boyfriend-50-to-husband-10/#respond Fri, 01 Jul 2022 09:32:25 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=125 Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled … Continue reading

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In Order Of Stupidity… http://jokes.cosmobc.com/in-order-of-stupidity/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/in-order-of-stupidity/#comments Fri, 01 Jul 2022 03:17:04 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=96 In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that’s the only time I … Continue reading

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Top 10 Bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise http://jokes.cosmobc.com/top-10-bumperstickers-u-s-s-enterprise/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/top-10-bumperstickers-u-s-s-enterprise/#respond Thu, 30 Jun 2022 21:13:15 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1300 “Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!” “One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it” “HONK if you’ve slept with Commander Riker!” “Guns don’t kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!” “Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!” “CAUTION…We have … Continue reading

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Some Funny Fails http://jokes.cosmobc.com/some-funny-fails/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/some-funny-fails/#comments Thu, 30 Jun 2022 14:54:14 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=559 Below are a few funny fails I’ve come across: “Go Play” – A really bad suggestion on a matchbox! Furthermore: “Play better, play in moderation” LOL The programming behind the cake printing mechanism has failed massively here!

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Speeding http://jokes.cosmobc.com/speeding/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/speeding/#respond Thu, 30 Jun 2022 14:54:14 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=75 A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see … Continue reading

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Blonde on the Sun http://jokes.cosmobc.com/blonde-on-the-sun/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/blonde-on-the-sun/#respond Thu, 30 Jun 2022 08:39:00 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=34 A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the … Continue reading

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Why Captcha Are Evil http://jokes.cosmobc.com/why-captcha-are-evil/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/why-captcha-are-evil/#comments Thu, 30 Jun 2022 02:36:17 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=528 This is the proof that captcha are evil! A funny compilation of the web’s funniest and most failed captcha. Now which are we supposed to type? Now how are we supposed to see anything in there!? Now this one is … Continue reading

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Horseback cop http://jokes.cosmobc.com/horseback-cop/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/horseback-cop/#respond Wed, 29 Jun 2022 20:25:38 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=615 On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that … Continue reading

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School Excuses http://jokes.cosmobc.com/school-excuses/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/school-excuses/#respond Wed, 29 Jun 2022 14:19:52 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=154 The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. … Continue reading

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I’m the Boss! http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-boss/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-boss/#respond Wed, 29 Jun 2022 07:57:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=42 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door. Later that … Continue reading

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Driving under the influence http://jokes.cosmobc.com/driving-under-the-influence/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/driving-under-the-influence/#comments Wed, 29 Jun 2022 01:47:57 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=631 One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try … Continue reading

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Holmes and Watson http://jokes.cosmobc.com/holmes-watson/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/holmes-watson/#respond Tue, 28 Jun 2022 19:31:13 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1330 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, … Continue reading

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Why did the chicken cross the road? http://jokes.cosmobc.com/why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/#respond Tue, 28 Jun 2022 13:26:27 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=148 GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against … Continue reading

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Newspaper Errors http://jokes.cosmobc.com/newspaper-errors/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/newspaper-errors/#respond Tue, 28 Jun 2022 07:17:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=140 A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure … Continue reading

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Female hormones in beer http://jokes.cosmobc.com/female-hormones-in-beer/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/female-hormones-in-beer/#respond Tue, 28 Jun 2022 01:02:26 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=164 Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

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The Italian who went to Malta http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-italian-who-went-to-malta/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-italian-who-went-to-malta/#respond Mon, 27 Jun 2022 19:01:41 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=119 (Must be read with an Italian accent) One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her … Continue reading

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What All Those Acronyms Really Mean http://jokes.cosmobc.com/what-all-those-acronyms-really-mean/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/what-all-those-acronyms-really-mean/#comments Mon, 27 Jun 2022 12:49:36 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=56 ISDN = It Still Does Nothing APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM = I Blame Microsoft DEC = Do Expect Cuts CA = Constant Acquisitions CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too. SCSI … Continue reading

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New Element! http://jokes.cosmobc.com/element/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/element/#respond Mon, 27 Jun 2022 06:35:43 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1332 The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered! The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and … Continue reading

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Funny Classified Ads Bloopers http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-classified-ads-bloopers/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/funny-classified-ads-bloopers/#respond Mon, 27 Jun 2022 00:14:06 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=709 As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A … Continue reading

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History Of The World… maybe http://jokes.cosmobc.com/history-of-the-world-maybe/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/history-of-the-world-maybe/#respond Sun, 26 Jun 2022 18:01:56 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=49 History of the world according to actual grade school student exam papers! 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah … Continue reading

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More Ad Placement Fail http://jokes.cosmobc.com/more-ad-placement-fail/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/more-ad-placement-fail/#comments Sun, 26 Jun 2022 11:39:47 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=234 I was unable to post for a while because I have been very busy lately, but here are some more ad placement fail pictures, as promised: “Come a little closer” “Two women to be stoned for adultery, says Amnesty” “aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh” … Continue reading

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The Old Native American Wanted a Loan http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-old-native-american-wanted-a-loan/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-old-native-american-wanted-a-loan/#respond Sun, 26 Jun 2022 05:25:14 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=106 The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?” “Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response. “What have you got for … Continue reading

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Things Not To Say During Childbirth… http://jokes.cosmobc.com/things-not-to-say-during-childbirth/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/things-not-to-say-during-childbirth/#respond Sat, 25 Jun 2022 23:14:56 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=166 — Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. — Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? — I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in … Continue reading

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Sunday School Drawings http://jokes.cosmobc.com/sunday-school-drawings/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/sunday-school-drawings/#respond Sat, 25 Jun 2022 17:03:50 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1349 A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy’s picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. … Continue reading

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A Blonde Game Of Intelligence http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-blonde-game-of-intelligence/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-blonde-game-of-intelligence/#respond Sat, 25 Jun 2022 10:53:39 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=32 There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and … Continue reading

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Actors http://jokes.cosmobc.com/actors/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/actors/#respond Sat, 25 Jun 2022 04:43:29 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=636 Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I’ve always been a big fan … Continue reading

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On Anglicans http://jokes.cosmobc.com/anglicans/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/anglicans/#respond Fri, 24 Jun 2022 22:36:59 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=1343 Q. Why can’t Anglicans play chess? A. Because they can’t tell a Bishop from a Queen.

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The Stella Awards http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-stella-awards/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/the-stella-awards/#respond Fri, 24 Jun 2022 16:31:01 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=102 The “Stella” awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award: The “Stella” Award – for the most frivolous … Continue reading

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A Programmer Joke http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-programmer-joke/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/a-programmer-joke/#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2022 10:17:46 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=646 Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is … Continue reading

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Settling a Cow Case http://jokes.cosmobc.com/settling-cow-case/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/settling-cow-case/#respond Fri, 24 Jun 2022 04:09:53 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=770 A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of … Continue reading

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Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game http://jokes.cosmobc.com/scottish-immigrant-attends-his-first-baseball-game/ http://jokes.cosmobc.com/scottish-immigrant-attends-his-first-baseball-game/#respond Thu, 23 Jun 2022 22:01:00 +0000 http://jokes.cosmobc.com/?p=160 A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run… run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars … Continue reading

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