Travel

  • Warships
    Irish,  Travel

    The British and the Irish Collide

    This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98: IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS…

  • Passenger Plane
    Blonde,  Lawyer,  Travel

    A Blonde Game Of Intelligence

    There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes…

  • Park Ranger
    American,  Fail,  Idiot,  Travel

    Stupid Questions to Park Rangers

    Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question? These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121) Grand Canyon National Park Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o’clock…

  • Parachute
    Computer,  Idiot,  Travel

    Parachute

      One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped…

  • Police Convoy
    Driving,  Police,  Travel

    Speeding

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle? Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who…

  • Pool Diving Board
    Fail,  Travel

    Magic Pool

    There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them “Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in.” So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out “Bananas!” and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out “Money!” and lands in a pile of money. The third…

  • Rolls Royce
    American,  Bank,  Business,  Driving,  Travel

    Rolls-Royce and Bank Loan

    A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest…

  • Lifeboat
    Idiot,  Travel

    Lifeboat

    After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared. ‘I’ll grant each of you a single wish,’ said the genie. ‘I wish I was home,’ said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared. ‘I wish I was home, too,’ said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too. The third man looked around. ‘Gee, I’m kind of lonely,’ he said. ‘I wish my friends were here with me.’

  • Blonde Woman Driving Car
    Blonde,  Driving,  Police,  Travel

    Blonde Driver

    A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it… Cop : “Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?” Blonde : “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.” Cop : “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!” Blonde : “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on.” At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop : “Excuse me miss, what’s wrong with your friends back there?…

  • Airport Planes
    Computer,  Travel

    If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines

    UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on… Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you…