Driving

  • Police Convoy
    Driving,  Police,  Travel

    Speeding

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle? Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who…

  • Rolls Royce
    American,  Bank,  Business,  Driving,  Travel

    Rolls-Royce and Bank Loan

    A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest…

  • Stop Sign
    Driving,  Police

    Stop Sign

    A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied. “You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained. “But I did slow down!” the guy argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.” The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down — what’s the difference?” The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”

  • Blonde Woman Driving Car
    Blonde,  Driving,  Police,  Travel

    Blonde Driver

    A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it… Cop : “Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?” Blonde : “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.” Cop : “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!” Blonde : “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on.” At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop : “Excuse me miss, what’s wrong with your friends back there?…

  • Car Stopped
    Computer,  Driving,  Travel

    A Programmer Joke

    Three guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ” Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist…

  • Heaven Gate
    Christian,  Driving

    A Priest and a Bus Driver Died and Went to Heaven

    A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.” The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the…

  • Man Driving Car
    Driving,  Travel

    Driving license

    Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man. “Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

  • Limousine Rolls Royce
    American,  Driving,  Police,  Travel

    The Pope Drives a Limousine

    The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the…

  • Car Insurance
    Driving,  Fail,  Police

    Funny Car Insurance Statements

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face. A pedestrian…