Business

  • Star Trek Spaceship
    American,  Business,  Computer,  Lawyer,  Science,  TV Humor

    Star Trek Lost Episode

    Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?” Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.” Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled: “What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?” Data turns to answer: “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.” Picard: “But…

  • Insurance Calculator
    Business,  Lawyer

    Insurance Proceeds

    A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

  • Microsoft Windows Fix
    Business,  Computer

    Bill Gates Died and Went to Heaven

    Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. “That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?” “Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really…

  • Piggy Bank
    Bank,  Business,  Children

    Bank Name

    Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. “It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’ After a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy.’

  • Rolls Royce
    American,  Bank,  Business,  Driving,  Travel

    Rolls-Royce and Bank Loan

    A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest…

  • Crowd Line
    Business

    Long Line

    It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If…

  • Employee Phone Office
    Business,  Idiot

    New Job

    A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded: “You fool; you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?” “No” replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot” The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?” “No!” replied the Managing Director angrily. “Thank God!” replied the trainee and hung up the phone.

  • Report Boss Businessman
    Business

    Reading between the lines

    1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that…

  • Job Interview
    Business

    Job Interview

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

  • Courtroom US
    Business,  Idiot,  Lawyer

    The Stella Awards

      The “Stella” awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award: The “Stella” Award – for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U. S. The following are this year’s candidates: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Ms. Robertson’s son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year…