CosmoBC.com Jokes

“Data, get me a cat scan.”

An inside joke from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Popularity: unranked [?]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost.. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s MY fault.”

Popularity: unranked [?]

13. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

12. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.”

11. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”

10. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”

9. Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.

8. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

7. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

5. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).

3. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are You Lactating?”

2. General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. “No va” in Spanish means, “It Doesn’t Go”.

1. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the Wax Tadpole” or “Female Horse Stuffed with Wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokoukole”, translating into “Happiness in the Mouth.”

Popularity: 100% [?]

I was unable to post for a while because I have been very busy lately, but here are some more ad placement fail pictures, as promised:

“Come a little closer”

“Two women to be stoned for adultery, says Amnesty”

“aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

McDonald’s ad placement fail

Total ad placement fail

“Man Sets Woman and Three Cildren on Fire”

Funny ad juxtaposition

Prince Caspian is a Cylon!

Popularity: 27% [?]

Some advertising placement can give funny or unfortunate results. Here are a few of them:

Oops!

“Burn baby. Burn!”

“For whiter whites”

“Strike Against Free Software: Microsoft Enters Catalonian Schools” (Click on image to enlarge)

Yahoo Fail!

Popularity: 39% [?]

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault”, while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”.

You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

It is illegal to gargle in public places.

It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

Popularity: 10% [?]

In Merryville women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

Excelsior Springs: Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.

Excelsior Springs: Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.

Kansas City: Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.

Kansas City: Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.

Marceline: Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.

Marquette: It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law).

Mole: Frightening a baby is in violation of the law.

Natchez: It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.

Purdy: Dancing is strictly prohibited.

St. Louis: A milk man may not run while on duty.

University City: Four women may not rent an apartment together.

Popularity: unranked [?]

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

Las Vegas: It’s against the law to pawn your dentures.

It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

Clark County: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time.

Elko: Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.

Eureka: Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

Nyala: A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Most Popular Game Fail

Today’s #1 game fail from GameSpot.

Submitted by Neil.

Popularity: 10% [?]

(Culled from newspapers)

- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5′ 10″, with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

Popularity: unranked [?]